Life isn’t easy when you’re in pain, always having to tell your siblings or love ones “no” when they ask you to do something. Planning to go out but then having to cancel because the pain is too bad. I’ve had 3 years of that.

Having a chronic illness isn’t fun, trust me on that one. You’re having to live your life differently to everyone else’s, having a very strict diet and only drinking the same drink everyday or you’d end up in pain. That’s how I’ve been living my life for the past 3 years, not knowing if I’m going to make it out of bed in the morning or if I’m going to end up sleeping in a hospital bed.

Honestly the worse thing about having a chronic illness is people not believing you. They assume that having a chronic illness you’d be in tears..but that’s not the case.. if you’ve been living the same life over and over again for the a past 3 years, you haven’t got time to cry.

You get used to getting poked by doctors, you get used to getting stabbed by a needle and being put on a medicine drip, you get used to the same routine of being told the same things over and over again, you get used to being in pain.

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Before reading this, if you are struggling with an eating disorder or have done this may trigger you, only read if you’re ready.

My eating disorder started after i got sexually assaulted, i won’t go in too much detail about it because i’d never finish, but it started when he commented on my weight and how i were “Too heavy to move” after he did what he did to me, i went home and didn’t eat, i didn’t even notice i we’re getting bigger until he pointed it out, i don’t know how i didn’t notice and how i didn’t even think to change it but i didn’t. I didn’t eat for a week, i were losing so much weight to the point where my dad said to me that i were starting to look like a skeleton, that obviously fed my ED more, if my dad noticed i were losing weight maybe other people were noticing too.

Another week went past, i did start to eat but it was only one meal a day and i made myself sick afterwards, i told my mum it was a sickness bug but in reality it wasn’t that at all, i wanted to eat but i didn’t want the fats or the calories staying in my body, i didn’t make myself sick for long though, because i noticed i were getting bigger instead of losing so i started to starve myself again. I needed food but i just couldn’t, i just couldn’t eat because all i thought about was the calories and fats.. i felt guilty about eating even though i knew deep down i needed to

after maybe a couple of month of me eating and then starving myself , i started getting better, i was eating everyday and i weren’t getting big, i were working out everyday so i was keeping it off that way, i was actually happy with my body and how i looked. Then it went to shit again, about 2 weeks ago i looked at myself and i saw how much i gained so i started starving myself again.. i feel bad every time i eat and i am being sick. You can’t get rid of eating disorders fully, nobody ever can but i know i will finally be able to control my ED and trust me i can’t wait for that day.

Here’s some facts about me, i thought i’d start off my blog by telling everyone 5 facts.

•I love doing my makeup, to me makeup is an art, there’s no right or wrong when it comes to it. Everyone has their own ways doing their makeup and how they like doing it.

•I have suspected endometriosis, i first got ill when i was 13 when i started my periods, my period isn’t like everyone’s period, they’re extremely painful to the point where i’m crawling about and crying. I’ve had 3 blood filled ovarian cysts which is also another sign of endometriosis. When i first got told i had a ovarian cyst one of the doctors told me to read about endometriosis and proceeded to say that there’s a chance i’ve got it. Endometriosis is a long-term condition where tissue similar to the lining of the womb grows in other places, such as the ovaries and fallopian tubes. With endometriosis you can struggle to fall pregnant, sex is very painful and everyday activity could end you in hospital. Doctors still don’t know how people get endometriosis.

•I suffer with bad body image, after i was sexually assaulted it messed with me pretty bad, i wasn’t eating for weeks on end and lost loads of weight. I remember him saying to me the day he did it to me about how big i was, not many people know what it’s like to have an eating disorder but trust me it’s one thing i wouldn’t wish on anybody, the way you view yourself, the way that your brain messes with your head is absolutely horrible.

•I have a stitch tattoo on my left arm, when i first got ill, i used to be stuck in bed from how much pain i were in and i used to watch lilo and stitch. The tattoo is to remind me that some days i just need to take a break and breathe and to remind me, i might be suffering at the minute but it won’t always be as bad.

•I suffer with anxiety, everyone knows what anxiety is but if you don’t i’ll explain it to you. “Anxiety disorder due to a medical condition includes symptoms of intense anxiety or panic that are directly caused by a physical health problem. … Panic disorder involves repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes”

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton